Never Let Me Go

He caressed my hair with a tremor hand. I inhaled deeply, try not to let my tears fell. I looked at him, trying to smile, but it's as if somebody put some glue at the corner of my lips. He was lying there, all pale and weak, but still the one who tried to offer comfort and courage. I took his hand, and held it tightly on my chest. His hand was cold, how could his hand cold?

He smiled, "you look beautiful." I just nodded, not dared myself to speak, because i was afraid it would broke into sobs. And once it started, it wouldn't stop. He really didn't need any of those. We stayed like that for a while, nobody was saying anything. Not long until he fell asleep.


He was breathing evenly, although a bit short, like if there was big heavy rock above his chest. I needed to get out of here, have some rest, so I would be fresh in the morning. But i didn't want to leave him alone, and what if something happened when i wasn't around. The thought terrified me.

I heard the door being slide open, then a middle-aged nurse showed up, carrying a tray with medicine and needle on it.

"You still here?" I nodded. "You need to get home, love. You look like you really need some good night sleep."

"I can't leave him," i said silently.

She gave me a brooding look, "get yourself sick won't do him any good either. Now, shooh, off you go." She even pulled me from my chair. I just stood there, not sure what to do. "We will watch over him, we won't let anything happen." Her smile was convincing. So i nodded, bending down to kiss him on the forehead, and whispered to his ears,

"Good night, bear. I'll see you tomorrow."

_______


That night at the apartment, I walked idly, didn't know what to do yet it felt too many thing i should do. Finally, I sat at the big comfy couch in front of TV, surfed the channel although I didn't really feel like watching. I remember when we bought this couch, or actually when we had to buy it. He spilled his black coffee all over it, unintentionally of course, he was bending down trying to kissed me. He was so clumsy and goofy and adorable, and the couch was white. I still remembered the reaction of the shopkeeper. Her lips got so thin, i was wondering if actually she just had slit as her mouth. We then changed its skin with some dark flannel, it gave the couch character. Beside it's really comfy so we couldn't complain, eventhough it's actually too big for our place.

Glee was aired on TV, he didn't like this show, but it was because he tended to get all emotional by the songs and the singing. If you check his iPod you would find a folder full of Glee songs. They aired the 'Home' episode, and Kurt was singing, the house is not a home song. They put subtitle for the song lyric. And suddenly I got more lonely a couple of degrees.

I turned off the TV, screw the show, he was right, it made people get emotional. I sat in the kitchen, all the lights were off, except the one above the sink. The rooms felt so quite, the night was so still, I even could hear my own breaths that not long turned into sobs. I missed him, to be here with me. To sung the songs with the awkward and ridiculous lyrics that he made, to played his accordion while dancing stupidly, or even just to sat still, lost in his writings with his lennon-like glasses stay put on his crooked nose.

And I missed his dreamlike expression every time he caught me dancing. How he would just sat stoically on the chair, and watched me for hours, with a daze smile on his face. He never forgot to give applause, standing ovation, and i would bow and smile flirtatiously. And sometimes we danced together, over time he knew how not to step on my toes, most of the time he let me stood on his toes, he was so tall.

I moved to the bedroom, the bed felt too big. I slept on his side now, sometimes I can smell him, and I would sleep peacefully. The stars and the suns and the sheep and the elephants glowing on the ceiling. He broke his arm when we stick it, he lost his balance and fell. I painted his cast with rainbows and baby pandas, and took the job as his private assistant. He would read me the words, sometimes whispered it to me between kisses, and I would type them. He said it was the best book he ever created.

I took one of his shirt and wore it to bed. It was shocking pink, as shocking as his reaction when I bought it for him. I was cruel like that. And then I showed him my mini dress, also pink and also shocking for different reasons. We had a lot of fun that night, and in the morning he wore the shirt dutifully, under his dull brown corduroy blazer.

________

It was 2.30 when the phone rang. The nurse told me to come hurriedly to the hospital. He had a seizure.

I grabbed my purse, and reached the hospital in fifteen minutes. They had stabilized him. There were so many tubes attached to his body, and they were needed to support him. And I stood there, outside his room, stared at him through the glass. I wanted to go inside, to hold his hand, to gave him strength, but i didn't know whether i still have it.

Eventually I just sat on the bench in the waiting room. Got lost in all the griefs and tensions and fear with most other people in this room.

I remember the first time I heard the news. They said he was in a car accident, but he didn't drive a car, he said car's not very practical. I told them they were mistaken, my husband always walked. Walking made him happy, and kept him in shape. I always thought it was funny, because he was very gangly, all legs and arms. And then they said, he was hit by a car, a drunk kid, but it was still morning when they called. I remembered thinking all of it didn't make any sense, but i went to the hospital nonetheless. Confident that they were mistaken, that i would find a poor stranger they were mistaken for my husband.

But it was him. Blood was covering his head and his face,they already ripped his shirt. His torso was full of bruises and more blood. His eyes fluttered open when he heard my cries. It was very crowded. There were so many doctors, and all of them were doing something on him. I tried to reach him, but somebody grabbed me and told me to leave the room. And then he smiled, "I will be fine, don't work up yourself, " then they took him away to the OR.

That morning before he left, we were sitting on the kitchen table, and making plans. He said we had enough saving now, if i wanted to buy our own house, or to travel somewhere exotic, or even if i wanted to open a dance school. And then he looked at me, sheepishly from his glasses, his green eyes glowing, and if i wanted to have children, we were all ready.

I recalled staring into his eyes and saw his hopeful smile, made me felt so warm, and content. But i guessed my silent gaze made him nervous, because then he started stuttering, "I mean, I know you are a dancer and I know pregnancy could ruin your body, and you have your career to think of, but I mean, if you want, only if you want..." he got all panicky and i feel a little sorry for him for loving me that much. I reached his hands, held them tight.

"I wouldn't want anything else..."

"What?"

"I would love it, to have baby, babies, with you." Next thing I know i was spinning in the air, the room's full of laughter. We hugged in a very tight embrace, and kissed until we lost our breath. We were really happy.

"Mam..." I looked up and saw my husband's doctor. 'Your husband is awake."

His eyes were closed when i took a chair in his bedside. I took his hand, it's even colder than last night. I kissed his knuckles, tried not to touch his wounds. His 5 o'clock shadow was showing, it made me smile. I love the feel of them.

"Bear?"

His lips formed a faint smile, "I am sorry," he managed to whispered.

"Why?"

"For making you worried." He took a deep breath, "for ruining you rehearsal."

"N'ah, it's not a very good show anyway."

He gave a short chuckle. "Are you tired? Have you ate?"

"Stop fuming about me." I pressed my hands over his. "You just get yourself better."

He nodded.

"Bear?"

"Yes?"

"Do you know that our home is so quite? I never realized it before." He just stared at me. "It is so quite, and the silent is so still, it's suffocating." His eyes were sad. "Nooo, don't be sad. It just because I miss you,i miss you so much the house feels empty. But you'll be home soon, so it's all right."

He stayed quite for a while. "Baby..."

"Hm?"

"We are happy, right? You are happy with me. Right?"

I lost for words for a moment. "I never been happier." I gave him my best smile. the one he liked, with dimples, eyes crinkle and all that.

He gave me a firm nod. "Good."

"Good."

"I think I'm gonna dozed off for a while. This meds make my eyes heavy all the time."

"Yeah, I will be here when you are awake."

"That'll be good..." I could tell that he was dozing off.

"Good night bear..." He started breathing evenly. I still holding his hand, stroking each of his knuckles, when I felt his grab tightening.

His eyes were wide open, stared steadily into mine and he said,"never let me go."

Then he slept peacefully.