Rain

excuse the typos. i uploaded this from my phone. :)

The first time Kayla experienced a real rain, not just the kind her mom created with a shower head in the bathtub, she was two. “Rain,” she called, excitedly, to her mom from the restrictions of her car seat. They took a detour from driving to the supermarket and ended up at a nearby park because, “every little girl should dance in the rain at least once,” her mom said. Granted, they were in their raincoats and boots, but Kayla remembered the contentment brought by the occasional raindrops on their faces. Kayla and her mother laughed, danced, not get the groceries, and loved.

oOoOo

It took a couple of years until Kayla learned about storms— living in California, there weren't that many of downpours and raging thunders. But she recalled this particular one because, well, first storms are always scary. The electricity had gone out and she woke up terrified. It was dark and she was surrounded by the nasty, ghostly sounds of the wind. But just when she was going to cry, the bedroom door opened and revealed her mom, a flashlight in her hands, a calming smile on her face. Soon enough, they were making shadows of bunny rabbits, horsies, little baby duckies, and a dinosaur that she named Sir Humphrey. Kayla still doesn't like storms, but she's come to the conclusion that they're not so bad after all. Somewhat.

oOoOo

The most horrifying rain of all happened while she's 35,000 feet in the air. She was 10, and was on her own flying to her grandparents' down in Ohio. She didn't really understand what was happening to the airplane— why it felt like a roller coaster ride with all the ups and downs— but nobody was there to hold her hand. So she clutched real tight to the armrests, closed her eyes, and imagined that she was riding a real roller coaster. It didn't help much, but the thought of her mom's calming hand over hers while they were on that ride did. That night, after a wonderful dinner with Papi and Grandma but before she brushed her teeth, she called her mom and told her two things. One, that she would never ride an airplane alone again, and two, 'I love you.'

oOoOo

Kayla broke up with a boy she really liked on a rainy day in September. She was 16 and her heart was broken, but the hot cocoa her mom had put on the nightstand mended it a little bit. Kayla's sobbing into her mother's hug did the rest of the patching. “You'll be okay, sweetie,” her mom said, giving a kiss to her hair. “Every rain has to stop some time.” She carried the words like a mantra wrapped around her heart. Kayla believed. Every rain has to stop some time.

oOoOo

Two years later, one afternoon in a thoroughly sterilized hospital room, Kayla listened as the doctor spoke a mishmash of medical terms. Well, at least she tried to listen. But after the C-word was mentioned, she chose to blank out and looked outside the window instead. She could hear muffled sobs coming from her dad after the doctor had left, but all she could do was watch the familiar, dark clouds filling up the sky. “It's going to rain soon,” she whispered. She wasn't talking about the weather.

oOoOo

Chemotherapy is a funny thing. They all said it's about getting better, killing all the cancerous cells inside. But she was 19 and she was missing watching her mom waving her goodbye as she drove off to the university every morning, simply because the older woman was busy losing her hair, retching from unbearable nausea, and lying helpless on her bed. Chemotherapy can suck my— well.. if I had one it could, Kayla thought. Sometimes, on mornings when it would rain, Kayla would focus extra hard on backing up the car. It was really hard to gaze outside the window and not seeing her mother there.

oOoOo

“Can you drink cocoa?”
“I can, but I don't think it'll stay in, honey. Pretty sure I'll just barf it out again.”
“Oh.”
“How about you get under the covers with me and we'll watch something together on TV?”
“Sure.”
“Thank you for the cocoa, by the way.”
“You're not drinking it. Don't have to thank me.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do.”
“It's raining,” her mother said, letting the words hang in the air.
“It is,” Kayla said after while— after letting out a breath that she didn't even know she was holding. Just like that afternoon in the room that smelled like disinfectant, neither of them were talking about the weather.

oOoOo

On a fine, beautiful sunny day which would've been perfect for a wedding, Kayla and her dad stood in the middle of a cemetery. She had spent most of the time inwardly cursing the pitying looks everyone had offered. Your pity is powerless and doesn't help, she thought. She convinced herself that she was strong, so she didn't cry. That is, until the first bunch of dirt landed on the casket. Kayla didn't know it before, as she was told to believe the otherwise, but she was pretty sure that somewhere, maybe closer than it seemed, there's a rain that would never stop falling.